I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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