Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
love makes seman taste better
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
