the condom got lost in my hair
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
