The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
