tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
