Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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