How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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