she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
