I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
we should paint friendship bongs
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
