Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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