peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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