So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
