There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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