I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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