I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
