i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
