if you like me you must not know who I am
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
