you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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