So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
