The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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