there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
