I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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