She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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