i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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