Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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