Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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