giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
What a dumb baby whore.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
