and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
