It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
