Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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