it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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