i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
