I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
sex in a hospital.. check
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
