my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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