Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
