Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
