I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
