just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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