Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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