I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
