Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
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