I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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