I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
