I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
