it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
