What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
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When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
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We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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