i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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