I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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