she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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