I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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