It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
