hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
