Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
