Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
