I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
