The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
