so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
