I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Randomize
